I have known you all my life, yet you still manage to leave me baffled; I never can predict your thoughts and actions. I have always known that it is hard to really know a person, but I always thought that if one spends enough time with someone it would become easier. Oh boy was I wrong there. I don’t know you, nor do I feel any closer to knowing you.
I still remember when you told me you wanted to do your MS, somehow I never expected it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t doubt your capability to succeed in getting your MS, I just wasn’t sure if that is really what you wanted to do, or were just trying it out because you were sick of work life and preparing for GRE was simpler than cracking CAT. Maybe, I was right to have this thought in the first place, because I know for a while you were chasing after MBA. Now that I look back and think about it, what was really surprising was not that you decided to do MS, but that you even thought of any field other than science, more so a field involving people, leadership, and communication. You never were a people person. I remembered how your childhood dream was to be a scientist and how you would bug your father about whether discovering a new species in the Amazon Rain forest would get you a PhD. What happened along the way to make me feel so surprised when you decided to do an MS?
I found it surprising that you didn’t do as well as you once dreamed you would do. Sadly I only find it surprising when I remember how you used to be as a kid. What changed? Why was I ready to accept you as an academic failure 2.5 years ago? I always thought I was accepting, but maybe the fact that I gave up on you hurt you in many ways I cannot fathom.
You know how, when people you once knew tell you they never expected you would do MS, let alone PhD, and even though you know they mean well, you still feel that everyone considered you incapable of achieving anything in life, well to be honest I too am guilty of this, as I too am one of those people from your past. I have seen you change through the years, more than ever now, and even though most people still think you must be a failure, I know you better now, I hope…
You are afraid of meeting people from your past, you are even afraid of people who knew you from that life, even if not personally. Why? I don’t understand it…what have you got to fear?
I sometimes wonder why you never grew up about certain things. I don’t understand why you care so much about how you don’t look good, and why you don’t do much about it since you do care so much about it. Yes, you feel people don’t consider you worth anything because of it, but why do you care so much about what these people even care about? If your looks dictate how much worth you get from a person, is it really worth investing time and energy worrying about such people? Why don’t you understand that? You care more for the attention you don’t get from people than the attention that you do get from people. This only harms you and the people who truly do care about you for being you (I know you’re reading this and wondering, which people?, but you know who all I’m talking about). There are people who do not think you are worthless, stop behaving as if their opinion is worthless compared to the opinion of people who see right through you. It should be the other way around. How much have I explained this to you? You listen to me for a couple of days, and then you’re right back to your old self and your old way of thinking. Don’t do yourself and people who care for you such an injustice.
You are not nearly as bad as you think you are. I am often shocked by how much you berate yourself. Yes, you cannot undo what has been done, but you can try to be better now. Yes, you may still do things that you feel ashamed of later, but you need to get over these things and move on. We are only human, we can only try to be better, if it works well and good, if not, we just need to try harder. When will you understand these things and do yourself a favor and forgive yourself? If you are waiting for the whole world to like you and forgive you, then you need to wake up and realize that will never happen. What’s done is done, you cannot change that, what you can do is forgive yourself and move on in life. You are not a bad person, you need to stop feeling that way. And if you worry that people will hold grudges, well let them, that is not your problem, it is not your business anyways, people will do what they need to do. If they don’t understand you before judging you, then it is their problem, even if you deserve the treatment you get (I’m not saying you deserve to be treated bad, don’t misunderstand me).
I don’t know why some things still worry you, maybe this is what surprises me so much. I know you are better, still you get stuck in your same old thoughts and worries. Yes, I too have misjudged you, I too have doubted you, I too have thought of you as worthless, useless, ugly, and a horrible person, but then I did try to understand you, and realize what you really are, at least to the best of my capability. I know you wear a mask, and it breaks in the worst possible ways (you know what I’m talking about). Some stick around to see through the mask, most see the mask breaking and jump to their own conclusions about the kind of person you are. Maybe even I stick around more because I’ve got no choice, but every time I look in the mirror and see you staring back at me, I do try and see who you really are. I don’t hate you, no my feelings are so far from hatred. I just wish you would listen to me, at least once in a while…will you this time?