A Lunatic’s Poem

Anchor - Found via Google Image Search
Anchor – Found via Google Image Search

~*~*~

There is a dream
That comes back to me
Over and over again
Like the broken ties
Of a friendship
Long forgotten
The early memories
Are hazy at the edges
And I am no longer sure
Whether I dreamed up
My entire life
Or my dreams
Are figments of reality.

The faces are crystal clear
But I feel detached,
Like a third person
Observing from above
Helplessly watching
As the doors open and close
And I know the danger
But not once have I
Successfully stopped myself
From accepting or declining
The roads and their given doors.

So I walk, like a zombie,
Winding as the road winds
Aimlessly searching
For a hint of reality
Longing to feel more
Than the cold tin
Lodged in my heart
For I have seen
The selfish creature
Which resides
In the depths of my soul
And this creature
Consumes me in its flames
But though I burn
No one sees me burning
Until they too have been singed.

There is a deep darkness
Which seeped into my soul
And I learned to love it
As one would love a child
But now it weighs upon me
Like an anchor
Keeping me rooted
While I long to sail away
For now there is much more
To love in this life
And a choice is hanging
Heavy over my head
Either the anchor keeps me here
Or I let go and sail the seas.

I have pondered too much now
Sweet slumber falls heavy
Upon my eyelashes
But I long to stay wide awake
For the world never sleeps
And I long to feel alive
From within for a change
I long to feel some warmth
Inside of my cold soul
But alas, sleep is upon me
Like a tyrant with his demands
And the words flutter away
Even before they hit my pillow.

~*~*~

Decay

Decay - Found via Google Image Search
Decay – Found via Google Image Search

~*~*~

There is a staleness,
Deep inside of me,
A certain rot,
That shows
In my actions,
And words
But I do not know
How to reverse
The effect of decay.

My mind
Has become moldy
Nothing works
I only think
Deep dark thoughts
Putrid, sour,
The stench
Becomes overpowering
The unnatural smell
Is that of my mind
Rotting away.

My feelings
Speak of decay
There is little
But black damp
Thoughts floating
Souring everything
They touch
Until everyone
Around me
Shy away,
Leaving me alone
With the stench
Of my rotten heart.

I know
I should walk
With a warning sign
Hanging like a noose
Around my neck,
To keep all away
From the decay
In me, infectious
Unwanted
Diseased,
But somewhere
I dare to hope
That someone
Won’t hate me
For the darkness
And dark decay.

~*~*~

Dark Places

Darkness - From Google Search
Darkness – Found via Google Search

~*~*~

I know now,
How undeserving
I have always been,
Of the happiness
Most people receive,
And I know,
I was always a fool,
To long for the impossible,
To want something more,
For such things are given,
Only to people in the rainbows,
Never to dark souls like my own.

And now I have come
To accept this darkness,
Where I can hide
With my plastic smile,
And a knife in my hands,
To fend off all intruders,
I no longer wish for light,
As the darkness is my only friend,
And I know I am safe here,
From the turning of the world,
I have come to accept
My everlasting solitude,
And I long for nothing more.

~*~*~

Snow

Wintry Madness by deadpoet88

~*~*~

The snow dances in spirals,
Easily carried away
By the folly of the wind
Like the naive heart
Gets trapped by a smile
Or the look of a friendly face.

The snow swirls in patterns
Sometimes lifted up like a bubble
And you can almost reach out
To capture a snowflake
Frozen in the air for a split second
Until the wind nudges it on its way.

This wintry silence is piercing,
Yet like a serene orchestra
You can feel it flowing
Through your very veins
And you are lost in a white trance
As the snow floats down from heaven.

Every flake sparkles in the light
As if the sky has become generous
And is pouring diamonds
You feel afraid to tread
Over this carpet of gemstones,
Lest you take away their shine.

But alas, you must walk
Through the wintry night
Pondering over all you have lost
And  you know nothing was worth
More than what lit you up with a smile
Not even the sparkles falling to the ground.

~*~*~

Whirlwind

After the Storm

~*~*~

It was a whirlwind that caught us
And spun us round and round
Before throwing us back to the ground.
We found ourselves scattered
Our lives in complete disarray
And the pieces strewn helter-skelter
Taking us on roads winding and far away.

We always looked for adventure,
But of a peaceful disposition,
Unlike the storm that churned us out
Rampaging all in its path
Till the only solid form left behind
Was the shards of our broken heart,
Our shattered soul, and tired mind.

The pieces fit together like a puzzle,
And we knew we could build up
The house that was torn down
But the willpower was lacking,
And one of us gave up half way
While the other was left to pick up
The pieces, and wander alone.

~*~*~

How Much?

20130126-DSC_0059

~*~*~

There is no loneliness felt stronger,
Than that felt in the midst of the crowd.
And the mind is conflicted,
For often I long to be alone,
Especially if you’re nowhere to be found.
But when I hear the sounds of laughter
I sometimes want to be a different person.
I often think I am a contradiction
I wish for things I don’t like,
And throw away what is closest to my heart.
I puzzle over myself so often
I feel so torn sometimes, torn apart.
Sometimes I feel a strong instinct
To leave everything behind
To just catch a random bus to any city
With only a bag on my back
And disappear without having a second thought.

Then my daydreams come to an end
And I ponder, how much can I run?

~*~*~

Running

Winter Road by deadpoet88
Winter Road by deadpoet88

~*~*~

A soft silence lingers in the wind,
As it winds along its destined path,
I walk under a veil of darkness
Shroud by the sound of an untamed sin.
And I listen to the leaves rustling
Around me like an orchestra
Threatening to sweep me off my feet
And down the chasms of space and time.

I don’t know where I am heading,
I do not stick to a worn out path
I am only wandering aimlessly
Searching for all that’s lost inside my soul.

The gravel sounds like a soft beat
Carrying forward broken bits of twig and leaf
My thought go randomly swirling
Into the dead of this winter night.
I’ve felt a hundred emotions
Steering me onto the road of insanity
But none have I felt more strongly
Than what I have felt in the depth of my heart.

Sometimes I get tired of feeling
I only long for an emptiness in thought
For everything only seems to overwhelm
And leave me lost in the chaos inside my soul.

I find myself running, running until I cannot be seen anymore…

~*~*~

The Storm

Winter is Coming

I sat still, listening to the trees dancing
To the whim of the indecisive wind,
But when I looked outside my window
I found the trees were as frozen as statues.

Only then did the real magic start
As a cascade of  leaves twirled down
Spinning round and round
With the frantic motions of the wind.

Each dance I watched, mesmerized,
As branches whipped and lashed the skies,
With each dance I watched of the falling leaves,
The more in the magic of nature did I believe.

The snowflakes joined in the symphony,
As the leaves floated like birds soaring high in the sky,
The trees swayed with the strong currents,
Their branches threatening to touch the ground.

The long awaited storm arrived in all its glory
And brought with it a deep calm and much joy.
I have always loved the sound of loud thunder
And the drops of rain splashing on my window.

A Pocketful of Sand

“Greeting the Ocean” by deadpoet88

~*~*~

I sat alone by the seashore
Waiting for the waves to catch me
And take me out to sea
Yet I felt a strange fear
Of being washed up on alien shores
And finding the emptiness that haunts me.

The sands were soft under my feet

As the sea would come to greet me
With a delightful coolness
And splash me when I least expected>
Leaving the taste of lingering salt on my tongue
And the rough sand clinging to my dress.

I danced a waltz with the ocean

Catching the water in the cup of my hand
As the waves rolled higher, engulfing more sand
And there was no one I wanted but you
To hold my hand as I walked on
Into the ocean to greet the highest wave.

I surrendered to the saline waters

Letting it play tug of war with my body
I watched the pebbles roll out beside me
Too feeble to resist the smoothing waves
And crab peeked through the salty liquid
Before being carried out to sea.

Then I found myself standing

As the waves crashed against me
And took me closer to peace
And I walked away from the salty sea
With an unexpected gift left by the ocean
A pocketful of sand and a smile on my lips.

~*~*~
There is something about the ocean which draws me towards it. I guess most people must feel this way about the ocean, but I somehow believe that I have such a liking for it because I spent much of my childhood living near it. I didn’t visit it that often, but if I had known what a wonderful the sea is at that time, I’m sure I would’ve gone there every chance I had. Some of my earliest memories are about beaches, seashells, and the sound of the waves. Somehow I’m feeling kind of nostalgic about it. There is nothing like sitting in the water as the waves lap over you. I can just sit and listen forever.

Self Reflections/Despicable Me

Broken (Google Image Search)

 ~*~*~

Maybe I am only good at creating wounds
Deep lacerations that leave behind scars
Which may heal but can never be erased.
Time has told me that one cut is never enough
I don’t want to cause the pain you are feeling
But I cannot stop myself once the words are out.

Imagine living as I do, knowing the wrongs I do
Yet being forced to see my face in the mirror
The face I wish I could damage permanently.
I know the monster that resides inside my soul
I have tried to escape, but it always finds me
And becomes one with the weakness in my mind.

I am a selfish thing, locked in the body of humanity,
Until now, I never knew I cared for myself so dearly,
But I see my selfishness always has the upper hand.
I feel ashamed of what I have become
Yet I take not a single action to become better
Instead I walk down the road to degradation.
I suck the life out of every soul close to me
It is the only art I have come to learn over the years
An art which I have mastered to perfection.
And when wrongs are done to me
I take the role of the victim, declare all is unfair
No wrongs are acceptable when done to me.
Time and time again, I realize why I am alone,
Why would one willing get wounded
When I have absolutely nothing else to offer?
What friends do I deserve, how can I be loved?
When I take it all for granted, when I throw it all away,
For I have never learned to see past the despicable me.

~*~*~

This is my world, my wintry madness. I hope the snowflakes leave a trail of lingering warmth as they slip off your skin…

%d bloggers like this: