Sleep has come a long way
From the doors closed upon it,
And the dancing snowflakes
Like fluttering memories
Drift over closed eyelids,
And I can no longer tell
Whether you are a dream
Or waking consciousness.
I want to suffer for you,
This passion I feel is endless,
I want to replace your tears
With drops of my blood,
Take your agony into my heart
And leave you with your bliss
Unharmed by sweet realities
I want to take that frown
And turn it upside down,
I just want to give
And take nothing in return.
I am awake now
Brutally aware of my existence,
Little escapes my senses,
Paper-cuts leave me empty
Yet I feel too much,
How many pages will I waste
With random marks in blue ink,
And this frigid world
Bids me to kneel with empty hands,
There is nowhere to run,
Nor anything to keep me here.
I can feel your warmth
Starting in the palm of my hands,
It is all that I care for
In this frozen life I live,
My passion burns with a fervor,
As it consumes me from inside,
I long to see your face
Though you are so far away,
Remember the sadness you took away
From the depths of my heart?
I long to hold it in my hands
And crush it.
As a child, I was always told,
Never to use the word “hate”,
For feelings of real hatred
Are always more vehement,
Than words we say in anger,
These words that sting like poison.
They forgot to tell me,
That the word “love”
Is much stronger when used,
And harsher when said in vain,
Especially if you are at
The receiving end, waiting.
As a boy, he never knew the meaning of a roof,
Living among the stars, and gutter walls,
Climbing trees and mountain peaks,
Just to survive as days went passing by.
This little boy, knew no other life,
Than the life on the lonely streets,
Where insults were given more generously than food,
And best friends were these means of stealth.
Feeling the emptiness of hunger and cold,
As he slept on the hard sidewalks,
Yet still he dreamed of doing great deeds,
For what are dreams but the voices of our heart?
So this little boy, who never drowned in tears,
Threw away from himself the basest of his fears,
And took it upon himself to be a great man,
Yet told himself to never forget his humble roots.
It was a challenging road, he chose to take,
Trying to learn without being taught,
Sometimes finding he must choose between two wrongs,
The obstacles blocking the road were endless.
His eyes shone brightly as he studied on the streets,
His thirst for knowledge burning brightly,
Days passed by, days which turned into years,
And he grew to be a made man, off the streets.
No more sleeping on the sidewalks under the rain,
Nor doing petty tasks to make a penny for grain,
Yet as he walked down the roads of his childhood,
He remembered the feeling of poverty.
And when bright eyes peeked through the shadows,
Helpless, cold, and hungry,
The now turned man passed on the gift of knowledge,
As the greatest gift one can give to the helpless.
~*~*~
When one sets their mind to achieve something,
When one decides that they must learn,
What are obstacles but petty nuisances,
To be forgotten, once overcome.
Sometimes you pine for what you’ve never had,
Sometimes you pine for what you’ve lost,
And cry rivers for unrequited love,
When you’ve lost more than what it cost.
Yet never do you learn to appreciate,
The wildflowers peeking through the cracks,
When red roses wilt, wither, and die, you mourn,
Though wildflowers strive to brighten up the track.
These roads leading to the walls of your heart
Can be tread by a select few,
Yet you never care to take the path,
Of one whose heart beats just for you.
And then you say there is no one in this world,
Who can stand by your side for life.
For the ones you would follow to the end,
Are the ones who left in the midst of strife.
So you pine for what you’ve never had,
You pine for what you’ve lost,
And continues this vicious mess,
Where you gain nothing more than loss.
Are there pain killers for a broken heart?
For the ache intensifies all through the day.
Exhaustion clings fast, pulling me under the waves.
The tears soak my pillow, as my eyes close for the night.
Maybe life takes us for a rough ride,
So we can appreciate the streaks of joy,
In this otherwise disenchanting life.
I never thought, before words slipped my mouth,
And you knew more than I cared to tell.
Yet, never did I stop this stream of thoughts,
I just believed you would always understand.
I never felt the need to hide myself,
From the people who mattered to me most,
Only that I never meant enough to them.
Oceans of regret lay in front of me,
My impulsiveness always leading to roads,
Of mistakes I never had intentions to make,
But actions based on raw emotion always lead to misery.
Though I always find myself drowning in fits of emotion,
Sometimes the recklessness of the heart pays off,
In rare moments of absolution.
I could never stand to be disappointed,
Always taking to heart words spoken by another,
Trusting where I never should have dared to trust,
Only to face these demons called frustration.
The heart is naive, like an innocent child,
Sometimes it needs to feel this disillusionment,
To grow wise with regard to this unfair world.
What did I not do to keep this thread from breaking?
Yet, still did the thread sever, without a hint,
Of even the faintest weakness,
And I found myself falling to the ground.
The ground was hard, and unfriendly,
Yet had I not been hurt so badly,
How could my real friends have picked me up?
Always did I try to understand, another’s circumstances,
Though I was rarely understood,
And the voices in my head still haunt me,
Why should I not judge, when others always do.
Yet, how could I have chosen to be critical of their actions,
For what right do we have to judge,
When we ourselves are flawed?
In this world where honesty and ethics have no place,
Still did I try my best to do the right.
Often I found myself being left behind,
Even by those for whom I took a strong stand.
Had I faltered in my choices between right and wrong,
The guilt would have followed me around for life,
Like the pain seeping through the walls of this prison.
It is only with sadness, with the taste of salty tears,
That we learn to appreciate the ring of laughter.
It is only with mistakes and failures,
That we learn to pick ourselves up when we fall.
So I walk this road ahead of me,
As a smile touches the corners of my lips,
And I walk into the embracing arms of life.
~*~*~
Note: No internet connection at home, so it will be hard for me to reply to posts and visit fellow bloggers. I would just like to Apologize in advance. Have a great weekend!
The demons of our past stand naked,
Running free through the fields of our mind.
And we hide, we hide from ourselves,
This past which cannot be denied.
The ranger passes through, singing,
And the mist does slowly disappear.
Yet the demons go on cowering,
In these songs we hold so dear.
Raging through the wild dust storms,
These demons bring naught but strife.
Lurking, waiting, to pounce upon us,
As we go about trying to live this short life.
The rain pours, and the willow whispers,
Yet all that can be heard are the voices.
These demons, always screaming in the head,
Of the past, and once made choices.
Exhaustion seeps into the mind so silently,
Exacerbating the insanity within these thoughts.
The demons feed with such power,
The battle seems lost even before it has been fought.
Somewhere along the paths of destruction,
Lie the shadows that evolve from the light.
And these demons striving so hard to kill from within us,
Too must die at the hands of the fading night.
~*~*~
I bow down to the demons,
For I was but a truant,
Waiting in the darkness,
Never stepping into the light.
~*~*~
And fellow bloggers and readers, I am back! I am just too much in love with writing to take a break. Glad the phase is over, glad that I could make up my mind.
I recently watched a movie, Where the Wild Things Are, and I felt it was one of the most wonderful movies I’ve watched lately. Though it made me very sad, because somewhere I could relate to Max, except the ending, where he at least finds a reason to smile. Well, the following has been influenced a bit by the movie, though not completely.
Where the Wild Things Are
~*~*~
Today I feel unwanted, my eccentricity,
Pulling me down under the waves of life.
I am sorry, I couldn’t be better.
The waves of the ocean, so beautiful,
Glittering like diamonds lost,
Taking the weak, leaving the strong.
I tried to be the ruler of the world,
To take away all the sorrow and pain,
But I could awaken only false hopes and dreams.
The sands, coming from eroding stone,
Swirling in the yellow desert,
Until no sands are left at all.
I thought I could bring happiness into your life,
By building up a world for me and you,
A world you thought you could only dream of.
The mountains and rivers,
And boat rides down the hill,
It’s a beautiful world you wished to builid.
I tried hard, with you by my side,
To build up from scratch, this paradise,
Which was supposed to bury all the sadness and pain.
The owls go circling up overhead,
Giving advice when asked in seven words,
But I could not understand how to spread smiles.
And I am sorry, dear friend, for letting you down,
Disappointment hangs heavy above you,
I am sorry I couldn’t be the one to bring you happiness.
I must say goodbye, leave you to pick up,
The pieces of your life I left disarray,
But please know, I shall always love you and miss you.
I go sailing to a land far away,
But I have no home to run back to,
Forgive me dear friend, for leaving you a mess.
A bloodless strife hung heavy in the air,
The strain of which left me weakened.
The flash of anger, the screaming,
Were reduced to echoes in my head,
As I silently watched the blood drip,
Down my hands, like blade on ice.
The world gave a shudder,
As the will of my being broke apart.
It was the wounds that tore me apart,
Growing like a cancerous tumor.
The scars of loving you, never quite erased,
Off the face of my stitched up heart.
Oh the anger, it was always the anger,
Or it was the psychosis of my mind?
The lands cracked under pressure,
As the strain of living, deep inside, surfaced.
Weary grows the idle mind, weary with rust,
The cracks deepen, till it crumbles into dust.
When was the first weapon planted,
Deep beneath the layers of this love?
It was a silent killer, slowly spreading like a virus,
Until it consumed all there was to take.
The oceans fight a raging storm,
The ship is sinking, down, down it goes.
There remains no structure to lean on,
No spark of life to keep me hanging.
Falling, I am falling, deep into the ocean,
As the waves crash me upon the rocky shore.
Your voice whispers inside my mind,
“It was only the calm before the gathering tempest.”
The bullets shoot across the battlefield,
I was hit long before it rained.
Life is a battlefield, which never sleeps,
For even in dreams, the bombs fly artfully.
The haunting sound of your silence overwhelms,
As I writhe in pain, waiting as the tears stream down my face.
If only you understood the working of my mind,
Or maybe I was the one who never saw the torment of yours.
The volcano erupts in a flare of burning vice,
Smothering completely all in its path.
Your scrutiny of my being, of my body, mind, and soul,
Was only a dissection of that which you do not know.
For you never chose to see me as more than a shadow of myself,
But termed what you did see as the body of a shadow.
If you see the fire as a form of destruction,
You will only have the ability to destroy.
And destroy you did, with your single act of kindness,
That fine thread which tied my heart to yours.
My only sin was to love you unconditionally,
But the price I am now paying.
I shall not love ever again,
As long as I take this breath of mortal life,
For in me is dead, the fire of life.
Only empty cold stone continues to exist.
He was a man who calculated the value of all
With the weight of paper and metal.
I must go on, as life is a gift far too precious,
A gift I would discard,
If only I could weigh it out with gold.
But life is far beyond the tangible we seek,
It can never be bought back,
Nor can one life be replaced with another.
He was a man who knew no sentiment,
Except for that of his own.
Must I feel for my entire life,
This agony I feel slowly poisoning my heart?
It seeps beneath my skin, burning like acid,
Killing me softly,
But only in the mind and soul,
As my body lies untouched.
He was a man who had everything one could want,
But valued nothing except the immaterial.
I am physically alive,
What good is a body enslaved by mental pain?
No, I am dead in every aspect,
Dead as the rotting wood in the backyard,
Dead for the maggots of the mind and heart to take over,
And eat, till nothing of me is left.
He was a man who was a victim of greatness,
Such that he could see nothing beyond himself.
There is only an emptiness,
A void were life should have been.
The noise of the vacuum becomes deafening,
As it grasps onto every aspect of my life.
This broken heart has consumed all,
Such that even the bowels find themselves empty.
He was a man who towered over giants,
The very giants who made him a man.
Where tears should be, I have only dry cheeks.
Where a smile paints itself, the paint runs dry.
Where passion should be, exists only apathy.
Where love should be, only indifference is supplied.
For it is the emptiness in me which speaks aloud,
Emptiness which lives, and which shall die.
He was a man who knew no boundaries,
Save for the limitations of his empty heart.
I can feel a phantom pain where my heart should have been,
The heart which was torn out
And shredded a million times over.
This empty pain shall be with me always,
Haunting me till the ends of time,
As once amputated, it can never be regrown.
He was a man who knew how to live,
But never knew the feeling of being alive.
What is this emptiness which has consumed me?
Leaving behind regrets for me to feed on,
And I am pondering, wondering, where did I go wrong?
But the answers remain hidden.
And so I live a mere shadow of a life,
All because my only sin was to love you unconditionally.
He was a man whom I once dared to love,
Until he chose to leave me forsaken.
Some days I look upon the sky,
With a singing in my heart.
Some days the singing turns in to
Voices I once sought.
“Leave not, leave not!” in despair,
My heart does always shout.
Alas, in the end,
You’re gone my friend,
In the end you’ve left without a thought…
~*~*~
The despair, the agony, the pain of living,
How difficult it is to endure.
My heart longs for this last breath,
As the distance darkens between us.
Was it too much for me to ask,
Or only too much for you to give?
My grief has blinded,
Taken away even the faintest glimmer of light,
As the world falls asunder.
The dawn brings no warmth,
Twilight brings no chill,
And I am falling deeper,
Into the depths of dolorous passion,
As I close my eyes one last time,
And take this final breath…
~*~*~
Sinking deep into my solitude,
Longing for a future I can never have.
The past echoes my feelings,
But the present sings an alien song.
Hope poisons this broken heart,
Clouding this mind.
This is the end my friend,
The end.
Inside the Mind of a Lunatic 