Tag Archives: longing

Excuses

Vanilla

~*~*~

Panic was always the first thought,
Which crossed the fields of my mind,
As I sat pondering over the little troubles,
Flooding the vacuum with their presence.

Yet, never could I understand why big problems,
Were problems at all for those around me.
For sometimes life came too easy,
And I needed to watch myself fall.

Maybe I talk because I have nothing to say,
But only wish to fill the empty silence,
Of thoughts unspoken, thoughts unheard,
Thoughts running mad in space and time.

So nonsense spilled out from my heart,
In words hidden behind a veil,
Their meaning crystal clear to me,
Yet meaningless to all those who listened.

I always seemed reckless in the eyes of others,
Never taking responsibility for more than myself,
And hard work was a word alien to me,
Yet the ring of the phrase was so familiar.

I always said to myself that the future is waiting,
It will never be out of reach,
Yet somehow these roads leading to destruction,
Always tried to stray me from my goals.

Why is it that this sinking feeling attracts me,
Like a moth to a street lamp?
When all others around me do all they can,
To soar to the ends of the sky.

Stars look so beautiful, shining so brightly,
Unattainable in every respect,
Yet all I pine for is to touch them,
As they are all that keeps me rooted to the ground.

And I sit in silence, listening,
Hearing nothing, yet hearing all,
Thinking too little, thinking too much,
Searching for peace in the midst of chaos.

A little voice at the back of my mind,
Shouts out a single word,
Making me shudder to think,
That this is all that I’ve brought myself to…

“Excuses”

~*~*~

Motion Blur

Motion Blur

~*~*~

I am standing very still,
As I watch this life pass me by,
Without waiting for me to catch up.

They all moved on, from this moment,
But I found myself stuck, feet planted,
Just distant thoughts of evanescent dreams,
Reaching out to pull me back to the present.

And I am stuck in time,
Unable to take a step forward,
And I cannot go back.

The naïvety of love drowned in me,
The innocence to trust unconditionally.
Now I pine constantly to feel without pain,
To reach a state of being comfortably numb.

I watch the colors merge into white,
As they envelop me in a swirling wind,
And I find, time has passed me by.

The thoughts have become a blur,
I cannot fathom where one begins and another ends.
Yet I can still see myself clearly,
Standing in the midst of this bedlam.

The voices from the past echo,
Through the crevices of my mind,
But all I can hear is noise.

I was always so caught up in this inner strife,
I had forgotten what it meant to breathe.
Soon even the voices in my head passed me by,
And I found myself trapped behind these bars.

The footsteps can be heard,
Ringing through the silence,
But they can never be seen.

My footsteps were lost in the illusion of space,
No matter where I turned,
I was greeted, by only darkness.
And I could hear the distant siren of a train.

The siren of the train too was a blur,
Decoded from the depths of time,
Heard so faintly I thought it to be a lie.

I went running, trying so hard to catch up,
Out of breath, but trying harder,
That I might reach the handle of this train,
But the train of life left, it carried on without me.

There is only one thing to do now,
To start over from scratch,
And learn to walk hand-in-hand with time.

~*~*~

Note: The above photograph was found Here. I was greatly inspired by it to write the above piece.

Note #2: Apologies to everyone who has been commenting on my blog and not getting comments in return, or receiving them very late. I don’t have Internet connection at home right now, because of which all blogging I do, has to be done from work. It is not always the easiest place to blog from, and over the last few days though I have come to my office to use the Internet, couldn’t quite find time to visit everyone. I will get down to it as soon as possible, which should be soon as I think either today or tomorrow my Internet connection at home should be activated. Thank you to everyone reading this!

Summer

Summer Wind

~*~*~

Summer has come and gone,
And the fragrance of these soft memories,
Hang heavy in the air.
Leaving traces of a life I once had,
Lingering on in the touch of your breath,
Fleeting, always fleeting, never to be caught,
These memories I have tried so hard to hang on to.

Memories, forgotten or destroyed.

~*~*~

Altercations

Forgotten

~*~*~

A bloodless strife hung heavy in the air,
The strain of which left me weakened.
The flash of anger, the screaming,
Were reduced to echoes in my head,
As I silently watched the blood drip,
Down my hands, like blade on ice.

The world gave a shudder,
As the will of my being broke apart.

It was the wounds that tore me apart,
Growing like a cancerous tumor.
The scars of loving you, never quite erased,
Off the face of my stitched up heart.
Oh the anger, it was always the anger,
Or it was the psychosis of my mind?

The lands cracked under pressure,
As the strain of living, deep inside, surfaced.

Weary grows the idle mind, weary with rust,
The cracks deepen, till it crumbles into dust.
When was the first weapon planted,
Deep beneath the layers of this love?
It was a silent killer, slowly spreading like a virus,
Until it consumed all there was to take.

The oceans fight a raging storm,
The ship is sinking, down, down it goes.

There remains no structure to lean on,
No spark of life to keep me hanging.
Falling, I am falling, deep into the ocean,
As the waves crash me upon the rocky shore.
Your voice whispers inside my mind,
“It was only the calm before the gathering tempest.”

The bullets shoot across the battlefield,
I was hit long before it rained.

Life is a battlefield, which never sleeps,
For even in dreams, the bombs fly artfully.
The haunting sound of your silence overwhelms,
As I writhe in pain, waiting as the tears stream down my face.
If only you understood the working of my mind,
Or maybe I was the one who never saw the torment of yours.

The volcano erupts in a flare of burning vice,
Smothering completely all in its path.

Your scrutiny of my being, of my body, mind, and soul,
Was only a dissection of that which you do not know.
For you never chose to see me as more than a shadow of myself,
But termed what you did see as the body of a shadow.
If you see the fire as a form of destruction,
You will only have the ability to destroy.

And destroy you did, with your single act of kindness,
That fine thread which tied my heart to yours.

~*~*~

Forsaken

Sad Cat

~*~*~

My only sin was to love you unconditionally,
But the price I am now paying.
I shall not love ever again,
As long as I take this breath of mortal life,
For in me is dead, the fire of life.
Only empty cold stone continues to exist.

He was a man who calculated the value of all
With the weight of paper and metal.

I must go on, as life is a gift far too precious,
A gift I would discard,
If only I could weigh it out with gold.
But life is far beyond the tangible we seek,
It can never be bought back,
Nor can one life be replaced with another.

He was a man who knew no sentiment,
Except for that of his own.

Must I feel for my entire life,
This agony I feel slowly poisoning my heart?
It seeps beneath my skin, burning like acid,
Killing me softly,
But only in the mind and soul,
As my body lies untouched.

He was a man who had everything one could want,
But valued nothing except the immaterial.

I am physically alive,
What good is a body enslaved by mental pain?
No, I am dead in every aspect,
Dead as the rotting wood in the backyard,
Dead for the maggots of the mind and heart to take over,
And eat, till nothing of me is left.

He was a man who was a victim of greatness,
Such that he could see nothing beyond himself.

There is only an emptiness,
A void were life should have been.
The noise of the vacuum becomes deafening,
As it grasps onto every aspect of my life.
This broken heart has consumed all,
Such that even the bowels find themselves empty.

He was a man who towered over giants,
The very giants who made him a man.

Where tears should be, I have only dry cheeks.
Where a smile paints itself, the paint runs dry.
Where passion should be, exists only apathy.
Where love should be, only indifference is supplied.
For it is the emptiness in me which speaks aloud,
Emptiness which lives, and which shall die.

He was a man who knew no boundaries,
Save for the limitations of his empty heart.

I can feel a phantom pain where my heart should have been,
The heart which was torn out
And shredded a million times over.
This empty pain shall be with me always,
Haunting me till the ends of time,
As once amputated, it can never be regrown.

He was a man who knew how to live,
But never knew the feeling of being alive.

What is this emptiness which has consumed me?
Leaving behind regrets for me to feed on,
And I am pondering, wondering, where did I go wrong?
But the answers remain hidden.
And so I live a mere shadow of a life,
All because my only sin was to love you unconditionally.

He was a man whom I once dared to love,
Until he chose to leave me forsaken.

~*~*~

The End

Solitude

~*~*~

Some days I look upon the sky,
With a singing in my heart.
Some days the singing turns in to
Voices I once sought.
“Leave not, leave not!” in despair,
My heart does always shout.
Alas, in the end,
You’re gone my friend,
In the end you’ve left without a thought…

~*~*~

The despair, the agony, the pain of living,
How difficult it is to endure.
My heart longs for this last breath,
As the distance darkens between us.
Was it too much for me to ask,
Or only too much for you to give?
My grief has blinded,
Taken away even the faintest glimmer of light,
As the world falls asunder.
The dawn brings  no warmth,
Twilight brings no chill,
And I am falling deeper,
Into the depths of dolorous passion,
As I close my eyes one last time,
And take this final breath…

~*~*~

Sinking deep into my solitude,
Longing for a future I can never have.
The past echoes my feelings,
But the present sings an alien song.
Hope poisons this broken heart,
Clouding this mind.
This is the end my friend,
The end.

~*~*~

Unrequited

Thorns

~*~*~

‘Twas the song of a solitary nightingale,
The sadness and beauty satiated the air with warmth.
Ne’er hath this heart within me been so lively,
As when thou looked into mine eyes and saw my soul.

Oh, this evanescence of beautiful dreams,
Had they lingered even the length of a moment longer,
Their beauty would have faded into the night,
Leaving a soft mist in place of these dreams of mine heart.

When I dream of thee in the wisp of the night,
I feel thy presence around me, e’en in mine heart.
And I wish the night stretches on for eternity,
That I might feel thy friendship wrapping around me always.

Thou art the cherry blossoms in early spring,
Showering this earthen beauty with thy soft petals.
The branches heavy with thy goodness and love,
And a promise, in the heart of thy admirer, for a new dawn.

The reflections on the flowing river, of a sun recently risen,
The birds singing their morning songs of joy.
Unquenchable thirst for time to come to a standstill,
Mine heart divided between my wish and the will of thy mind.

Thy voice lingers in the air, my thoughts inundated by thee,
My voice beckons thee to hold me in thine arms.
I wait, eagerly, desperately, to hear the faintest reply,
But the silence, so deafening, returns me not a sound.

The moonlight illuminates, when the sun hath set,
Only thy voice can brighten the shadows of mine heart.
Silently I pine in the darkness, for a glimmer of light,
Fading, falling, into these endless depths.

If thou hadst known the turmoil of mine heart,
Would thou hast left me more than the touch of thy breath?
Nay, to thee, I was but a stranger, no different from another
To me, thou wast mine only reason to smile.

~*~*~