I know now,
I have always been,
Of the happiness
Most people receive,
And I know,
I was always a fool,
To long for the impossible,
To want something more,
For such things are given,
Only to people in the rainbows,
Never to dark souls like my own.
And now I have come
To accept this darkness,
Where I can hide
With my plastic smile,
And a knife in my hands,
To fend off all intruders,
I no longer wish for light,
As the darkness is my only friend,
And I know I am safe here,
From the turning of the world,
I have come to accept
My everlasting solitude,
And I long for nothing more.
I sat alone by the seashore
Waiting for the waves to catch me
And take me out to sea
Yet I felt a strange fear
Of being washed up on alien shores
And finding the emptiness that haunts me.
The sands were soft under my feet
As the sea would come to greet me
With a delightful coolness
And splash me when I least expected>
Leaving the taste of lingering salt on my tongue
And the rough sand clinging to my dress.
I danced a waltz with the ocean
Catching the water in the cup of my hand
As the waves rolled higher, engulfing more sand
And there was no one I wanted but you
To hold my hand as I walked on
Into the ocean to greet the highest wave.
I surrendered to the saline waters
Letting it play tug of war with my body
I watched the pebbles roll out beside me
Too feeble to resist the smoothing waves
And crab peeked through the salty liquid
Before being carried out to sea.
Then I found myself standing
As the waves crashed against me
And took me closer to peace
And I walked away from the salty sea
With an unexpected gift left by the ocean
A pocketful of sand and a smile on my lips.
There is something about the ocean which draws me towards it. I guess most people must feel this way about the ocean, but I somehow believe that I have such a liking for it because I spent much of my childhood living near it. I didn’t visit it that often, but if I had known what a wonderful the sea is at that time, I’m sure I would’ve gone there every chance I had. Some of my earliest memories are about beaches, seashells, and the sound of the waves. Somehow I’m feeling kind of nostalgic about it. There is nothing like sitting in the water as the waves lap over you. I can just sit and listen forever.
Sleep has come a long way
From the doors closed upon it,
And the dancing snowflakes
Like fluttering memories
Drift over closed eyelids,
And I can no longer tell
Whether you are a dream
Or waking consciousness.
I want to suffer for you,
This passion I feel is endless,
I want to replace your tears
With drops of my blood,
Take your agony into my heart
And leave you with your bliss
Unharmed by sweet realities
I want to take that frown
And turn it upside down,
I just want to give
And take nothing in return.
I am awake now
Brutally aware of my existence,
Little escapes my senses,
Paper-cuts leave me empty
Yet I feel too much,
How many pages will I waste
With random marks in blue ink,
And this frigid world
Bids me to kneel with empty hands,
There is nowhere to run,
Nor anything to keep me here.
I can feel your warmth
Starting in the palm of my hands,
It is all that I care for
In this frozen life I live,
My passion burns with a fervor,
As it consumes me from inside,
I long to see your face
Though you are so far away,
Remember the sadness you took away
From the depths of my heart?
I long to hold it in my hands
And crush it.
Welcome to the machine, fellow human,
Whose senses have dulled over the years,
Placid stimulation gushes through your nerves,
Can you feel any real sensation anymore?
Welcome to the machine, rotten taste-buds,
Daily indulgence leads to monotone,
Until there lies no difference between
The tastiest food and distilled water.
Welcome to the machine, morbid minds,
All emotions are discarded as aberrations.
And the heavy perfume hides the stink
Of our decaying brains, intellectually deprived.
Welcome to the machine, hardened bodies,
The magical touch, the feel of frigid cold,
Or softness of skin on skin, has faded,
The only sensation left is that of numbness.
Welcome to the machine, dear humanity,
The machine which drones on,
In the background of our mind,
Taking with it the sound of silence.
Welcome to the machine, dulled musician,
For there are no differences left
Between traffic horns playing their symphony
And the notes flowing through the radio.
Welcome to the machine, plastic faces,
With layers of lies upon more lies,
Concealed so well it’s all that shines through.
And the only beauty seen is plastic smiles.
Welcome to the machine, dead dreamers,
Whose dreams were killed early in life,
And life was spent trying hard to avenge
The loss of the only thing that really mattered.
Welcome to the machine, hollow faces,
Where all personalities merge into one,
Programmed to breathe, programmed to live.
Programmed to be absolutely no one.
The above is greatly inspired by a song by Pink Floyd, “Welcome to the Machine”. I guess it has more to do with what the title and the music evokes in me than the actual lyrics of the song. I thought and thought about how the world works more like a machine, where we’re told to follow a set path, and become the plastic successful person with no real personality or dreams of his/her own. Yes, there is still a lot of variety, a lot of individualism, but somehow I believe that there isn’t enough of it. Then again I guess we all live in a little shell, and we only perceive things as we see them around us. We’re all little frogs in a well who haven’t seen the ocean, and some of us might never see the ocean. Anyways there I go rambling again.
Apologies for my lack of posts, I’ve been kind of busy, but more than that I’ve just been suffering from writer’s block. I hope to be back soon with something better, I know I’m not entirely happy with how this turned out. Hope all my fellow blogging friends are doing well. I apologize for my disappearance as well, will try my best to visit your blogs as soon as I possibly can.
And I’m falling
Falling till I can’t feel anymore,
Falling till my senses fade,
Leaving me with nothing
Except the memories of laughter
That I gave up long ago.
Tainted by thorns,
I lie like a dream unrequited,
Encumbered by the weight of existence,
Hanging heavy over the tears
That refuse to choke my voice,
And I am waiting
For the blood to surface
So I can have my taste of pain.
Two words tingling my tongue,
For it is all that I have come to desire
Over the seconds that fly by
Keeping me locked in
With a feeling of despair,
I want to fly to a far off place
To bid my time alone
Till I lay down to close my eyes forever.
The laughing voices echo
From the depths of my past
‘This sound that I gave up long ago
For a vial of tears
More precious than diamonds
That light the night sky.
No tears, no sounds,
No vials of madness
Can make my heart long
To wish for more
Than the alms given,
Mendicants cannot dream
To be Kings.
But the tears too have left me,
How unreliable they have been
What must I depend on next
To keep my clock ticking?
The folly of these tears
Will not be forgotten
As the subterfuge
Of those lost sounds
Pierce my memory sharply,
Emotions are tricksters.
The glass lies broken,
The content spilled
Across the floor,
The thistle has overgrown,
The roses have died,
The tears slipped
And escaped me,
The laughter is long gone,
I’m left with only apathy,
With which to pick up
The broken shards of glass.
Loneliness crept up slowly, unheard,
Like the madness set out to take over a soul,
And before I knew it, I could feel it in my bones,
This maddening loneliness would not leave me alone.
I could feel it stronger in the midst of the crowd,
Many smiling faces, but none could touch my heart,
All I wanted to do was run away from the noise,
Where I could be alone and feel my solitary warmth.
Familiar faces distanced me with their words,
Strangers became easier to speak to, if required,
And afternoons spent alone in my little hole,
Became the best time I had ever spent, always alone.
Dreams of distant lands came to me often,
Where not a face knew me except my anonymity,
And I’d have a smile on my face, a song in my heart,
For this loneliness would be my supreme birthright.
So I built a shell around me, bit by bit,
A shell to hide from me the harsh sunlight,
A shell unbreakable, a shell so tight,
To keep my solitary happiness to myself.
Oh this Solitude, ’tis a vicious feeling that digs deeper,
Becoming an unwanted guest refusing to leave,
Making its home in the heart and mind,
Like a virus, incurable, bringing with it a sickness which stays.
I was captured in a moment,
From which I could not break free,
Writ on stone with broken threads,
And told to stop being what it means to be me.
I was frozen, so that I could not move,
The more I stayed, the more restless I grew,
I tried so hard to leave it all behind,
But I could not stay on, I could not be true.
And so I am stuck as a mere memory,
Fading fast into flat conformity.
I’ve become a shadow of what I could have been,
Frozen forever and unable to break free.
The clouds formed a carpet in the sky,
Shedding drops of heaven to the ground,
The wind danced like my fickle mind,
Changing direction with every sound,
And I sat dreamily watching the cold wet tar,
As a flower fallen, was picked up by the wind,
And rolled down the pavement before it stopped,
So enchanting was the moment,
Mesmerized, my eyes lingered to it constantly,
Though I knew the wind had dropped it home.
I sat there listening to the voices of children talking,
As friends who sat beside me talked of news,
Yet I heard nothing, but the sound of silence
Trying hard to be heard, but still quite amused.
The gooseberry flavor lingered on my tongue,
Recently stolen from the garden nearby,
The taste was tangy, my tongue dry,
As I sat there dreamily pondering over life,
Life was sour, life was bitter, and oh so sweet,
And then I thought of you and smiled.
Sadness crept into my heart in faint traces.
As I stared at the poor man’s abode across the street,
It was desolated and empty, with a shiny lock,
Rusting, and so fragile, as if about to fall,
Yet among the riches, stood this poor man’s life,
Possessions meant nothing in these times of strife,
But his world was hidden behind that decaying door,
Through which he must have crawled every night,
To lie awake until the thoughts clouded his mind
And put him in a state of sweet slumber.
The wind blew, and took my mind for a ride,
To unknown faces, and far off places,
And a beautiful sadness took over my soul,
Threatening to steal away my feelings so cold.
The voices from the distance came to life,
As if awakening me from a dream,
But my heart was light, my thoughts dreamy,
As we walked back to our box of reality,
The fallen flowers floating in puddles,
Kept me from forgetting that sad, beautiful emotion.