A Message…

I have known you all my life, yet you still manage to leave me baffled; I never can predict your thoughts and actions. I have always known that it is hard to really know a person, but I always thought that if one spends enough time with someone it would become easier. Oh boy was I wrong there. I don’t know you, nor do I feel any closer to knowing you.

I still remember when you told me you wanted to do your MS, somehow I never expected it. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t doubt your capability to succeed in getting your MS, I just wasn’t sure if that is really what you wanted to do, or were just trying it out because you were sick of work life and preparing for GRE was simpler than cracking CAT. Maybe, I was right to have this thought in the first place, because I know for a while you were chasing after MBA. Now that I look back and think about it, what was really surprising was not that you decided to do MS, but that you even thought of any field other than science, more so a field involving people, leadership, and communication. You never were a people person. I remembered how your childhood dream was to be a scientist and how you would bug your father about whether discovering a new species in the Amazon Rain forest would get you a PhD. What happened along the way to make me feel so surprised when you decided to do an MS?

I found it surprising that you didn’t do as well as you once dreamed you would do. Sadly I only find it surprising when I remember how you used to be as a kid. What changed? Why was I ready to accept you as an academic failure 2.5 years ago? I always thought I was accepting, but maybe the fact that I gave up on you hurt you in many ways I cannot fathom.

You know how, when people you once knew tell you they never expected you would do MS, let alone PhD, and even though you know they mean well, you still feel that everyone considered you incapable of achieving anything in life, well to be honest I too am guilty of this, as I too am one of those people from your past. I have seen you change through the years, more than ever now, and even though most people still think you must be a failure, I know you better now, I hope…

You are afraid of meeting people from your past, you are even afraid of people who knew you from that life, even if not personally. Why? I don’t understand it…what have you got to fear?

I sometimes wonder why you never grew up about certain things. I don’t understand why you care so much about how you don’t look good, and why you don’t do much about it since you do care so much about it. Yes, you feel people don’t consider you worth anything because of it, but why do you care so much about what these people even care about? If your looks dictate how much worth you get from a person, is it really worth investing time and energy worrying about such people? Why don’t you understand that? You care more for the attention you don’t get from people than the attention that you do get from people. This only harms you and the people who truly do care about you for being you (I know you’re reading this and wondering, which people?, but you know who all I’m talking about). There are people who do not think you are worthless, stop behaving as if their opinion is worthless compared to the opinion of people who see right through you. It should be the other way around. How much have I explained this to you? You listen to me for a couple of days, and then you’re right back to your old self and your old way of thinking. Don’t do yourself and people who care for you such an injustice.

You are not nearly as bad as you think you are. I am often shocked by how much you berate yourself. Yes, you cannot undo what has been done, but you can try to be better now. Yes, you may still do things that you feel ashamed of later, but you need to get over these things and move on. We are only human, we can only try to be better, if it works well and good, if not, we just need to try harder. When will you understand these things and do yourself a favor and forgive yourself? If you are waiting for the whole world to like you and forgive you, then you need to wake up and realize that will never happen. What’s done is done, you cannot change that, what you can do is forgive yourself and move on in life. You are not a bad person, you need to stop feeling that way. And if you worry that people will hold grudges, well let them, that is not your problem, it is not your business anyways, people will do what they need to do. If they don’t understand you before judging you, then it is their problem, even if you deserve the treatment you get (I’m not saying you deserve to be treated bad, don’t misunderstand me).

I don’t know why some things still worry you, maybe this is what surprises me so much. I know you are better, still you get stuck in your same old thoughts and worries. Yes, I too have misjudged you, I too have doubted you, I too have thought of you as worthless, useless, ugly, and a horrible person, but then I did try to understand you, and realize what you really are, at least to the best of my capability. I know you wear a mask, and it breaks in the worst possible ways (you know what I’m talking about). Some stick around to see through the mask, most see the mask breaking and jump to their own conclusions about the kind of person you are. Maybe even I stick around more because I’ve got no choice, but every time I look in the mirror and see you staring back at me, I do try and see who you really are. I don’t hate you, no my feelings are so far from hatred. I just wish you would listen to me, at least once in a while…will you this time?

On Writing

Written Verse

~*~*~

Volatile, like ethanol,
My thoughts evaporate,
One after another,
Until the mind finds,
Itself drunken on words,
Flowing endlessly from,
The depths of my imagination.

Worlds unknown, borrowed,
From the world we live in,
Encumbered by the limitations,
Of all we see and believe,
Yet still the surreal voices,
Echoing from written verse,
Seem so strange to hear.

Visions of our deepest fears,
Darkness and chaos,
Come together to spread,
Terror in our hearts,
Only to be shattered
By heroes unheard of,
To melt all that makes us afraid.

Like an artist without a brush,
Always painting pictures,
From the depths of the soul,
With colors unknown,
But felt in every stroke,
Of the pen we dearly hold,
As the heart bleeds.

The song of the heart,
Escapes as barely a whisper,
Floating through the air,
Like a fragrant perfume,
Sweet and uplifting,
Touching all but the person,
For whom it was sung.

These feelings in my heart,
Rarely spoken of,
Yet always written about,
Bring into solid form,
My true inner self,
More realistically than,
The words left unspoken.

What am I without my muse;
Without the pen in my hand,
And thoughts wild in my mind;
Without empty words,
Building so much meaning;
Without momentary feelings,
Bringing life permanence?

I would be Nothing,
But the sweet fragrance,
Of wild strawberries,
Floating through the air,
Untouched, unfelt, unheard.
Yet always present,
Silently hidden.

~*~*~

Coffee Addiction

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~*~*~

A coffee addiction,
Growing stronger each day,
And I find I cannot,
Keep my eyes open,
I find I cannot focus,
Without a sip of,
Without the scent of,
Coffee in the air.
The beans tell stories,
Of lives they have lived,
Filling the air with richness,
To make up for our lack,
Of life each day.

Maybe I am searching,
For truth in these beans,
My mind is muddled,
With garbage,
My thoughts are hazy,
And I am always pining,
For clarity in my life,
The life I didn’t ask to live.
The aroma weaves,
Through the soul,
Like the wand of a magician,
Creating illusions,
Binding them to reason,
And still a sense of wonder,
Hangs on to the pinnacle of the mind,
Before the thoughts take a leap,
Into the abyss below.

I never wanted
My mind to wander,
Into unfathomable lands,
Straying from my needs,
To a land of only wants,
Where reason and practicality,
Have no place,
Where my heart works against,
The rationality of my mind.

The fragrance of coffee keeps me sane,
A temporary sanity throughout the day,
Until I have drunk too much,
And my head starts spinning,
I know not any longer,
Why the heart yearns,
For pasts thrown away,
And impossible futures,
Why the mind knows reason,
But acts irrationally,
Why does only the unattainable,
Appeal to this brat of a mind?

A voice like a whisper,
Catches me off my guard,
Through this coffee addiction,
A voice of reason can still be heard,
And I know days of withdrawal,
Are needed now,
After which I will be fine,
Smiling as always,
Still seeking the unknown,
But this time I won’t get lost.

~*~*~

Just an Escape

Escape by deadpoet88
Escape by deadpoet88

~*~*~

Hey you, my thoughtless whisper,
Floating out there in the void of my mind,
Stop, don’t fly away from me,
Please stay with me just this one time.
My thoughts have been wandering,
Nightmares have begun to feel like real life,
This drop of darkness keeps me grounded,
As I watch my heart slowly turn to ice.

Maybe this is what they call growing older,
This need to be stabbed just to know you’re still alive,
But like an addiction, the dosage gets higher,
For inside, it’s the dead and empty feelings that thrive.
I no longer know if my den keeps me sane,
Or whether it’s an escape from reality, in which I hide,
As I watch those closest to me burn as they catch fire,
I wonder, am I really numb or just a coward inside?

There are those days, when the light shines brightly,
And I feel more than I’ve felt in years,
But I know, as I try to hang on to the sunlight,
My heart will freeze over, taking with it all my tears.
From a distance, I can feel the warmth,
But as I step closer, all I feel is the biting cold,
And in frustration, I let the emptiness wash over me,
Now it’s easier to just escape, if truth be told.

~*~*~

Stranger

Winter Road by deadpoet88
Winding Road by deadpoet88

~*~*~

Howdy Stranger,
Here you are, just passing by,
Won’t you stay a while,
And share a piece of your mind?
I promise, I will sit here listening,
To the stories you’ve got to tell
Of your wandering and pondering,
And the longing of your heart.

I once had rivers of words to share,
But now my river runs dry,
For I find myself become colder as I grow older,
And my yearnings have been set aside.
Don’t let that stop you from speaking,
For it does not mean that I do not care,
This is all I cherish now, oh Stranger,
To remember as time passes me by.

Was the road long and winding,
The road that brought you here?
Who do you remember the best,
From all the faces you hold dear?
My road was straightforward,
But my stubborn soul took a detour,
And never could I find my road again,
Now I’m a lost wanderer, trying to get home.

Where are you heading, dear Stranger,
Do you even know, or do you just wander,
Looking for a whim to hold your hand,
As you follow in blindfolds?
Choose your whims carefully,
And peek through the cracks
To make sure you don’t wander too far
From all that you have come to care for.

It’s almost time for you to leave,
To catch up with the winding river,
As it guides you to the greater ocean,
Where I hope you find what you’re searching for.
I know, you will never look back
At this careless moment,
And the only sign that you were here
Will be this melted candle wax left behind.

~*~*~

A Lunatic’s Poem

Anchor - Found via Google Image Search
Anchor – Found via Google Image Search

~*~*~

There is a dream
That comes back to me
Over and over again
Like the broken ties
Of a friendship
Long forgotten
The early memories
Are hazy at the edges
And I am no longer sure
Whether I dreamed up
My entire life
Or my dreams
Are figments of reality.

The faces are crystal clear
But I feel detached,
Like a third person
Observing from above
Helplessly watching
As the doors open and close
And I know the danger
But not once have I
Successfully stopped myself
From accepting or declining
The roads and their given doors.

So I walk, like a zombie,
Winding as the road winds
Aimlessly searching
For a hint of reality
Longing to feel more
Than the cold tin
Lodged in my heart
For I have seen
The selfish creature
Which resides
In the depths of my soul
And this creature
Consumes me in its flames
But though I burn
No one sees me burning
Until they too have been singed.

There is a deep darkness
Which seeped into my soul
And I learned to love it
As one would love a child
But now it weighs upon me
Like an anchor
Keeping me rooted
While I long to sail away
For now there is much more
To love in this life
And a choice is hanging
Heavy over my head
Either the anchor keeps me here
Or I let go and sail the seas.

I have pondered too much now
Sweet slumber falls heavy
Upon my eyelashes
But I long to stay wide awake
For the world never sleeps
And I long to feel alive
From within for a change
I long to feel some warmth
Inside of my cold soul
But alas, sleep is upon me
Like a tyrant with his demands
And the words flutter away
Even before they hit my pillow.

~*~*~

Decay

Decay - Found via Google Image Search
Decay – Found via Google Image Search

~*~*~

There is a staleness,
Deep inside of me,
A certain rot,
That shows
In my actions,
And words
But I do not know
How to reverse
The effect of decay.

My mind
Has become moldy
Nothing works
I only think
Deep dark thoughts
Putrid, sour,
The stench
Becomes overpowering
The unnatural smell
Is that of my mind
Rotting away.

My feelings
Speak of decay
There is little
But black damp
Thoughts floating
Souring everything
They touch
Until everyone
Around me
Shy away,
Leaving me alone
With the stench
Of my rotten heart.

I know
I should walk
With a warning sign
Hanging like a noose
Around my neck,
To keep all away
From the decay
In me, infectious
Unwanted
Diseased,
But somewhere
I dare to hope
That someone
Won’t hate me
For the darkness
And dark decay.

~*~*~

This is my world, my wintry madness. I hope the snowflakes leave a trail of lingering warmth as they slip off your skin…

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